Dear... | What I wish I could say (Part Two)
Just a quick note from me - these letters are part of a series and they are deeply personal. I would like to explain that these letters were written in the height of the UK lockdown and I was in a phase of manic depression suffering with insomnia so these letters are quite erratic. However, I thought they were important to share as whilst they were written in a dark period, they are also honest and I wanted to share my truth. So, read at your own discretion!
Oh, I wanna come near and give ya, Every part of me, But there's blood on my hands, And my lips aren't clean - Leon Bridges, River
There are a lot of things I wish I could say. However, with Fibromyalgia it's very hard to get your thoughts and words into one coherent sentence. It's a pain in the ass pretty much 24/7 especially when you're trying to explain why your behaviour has been erratic and forgetful (Like when the washing stayed in the machine because you forgot for four days and you got really angry and cried your eyes out for another two days).
I have written letters to all the people who have influenced my life. People I wish I could outline my condition to but it would take hours to explain every little detail, every little fog, every little bit of pain, every little bit of craziness, because hey, Fibro. Shit makes you crazy in one way or another. But please, if these letters are relatable for you, use them and edit them as you wish. These are personal to me but I refuse to be embarrassed.
I am a big believer in crazy making a person because, here on Earth, 'Everyone is mad here'. I say crazy without judgement or flaw, I believe that every single human is crazy because we're truly the aliens, so who am I to judge?
I apologise in advance if I ever generalise or alienate someone when I explain or write about my crazy.
When you Google 'Define crazy', this is what appears "mad, especially as manifested in wild or aggressive behaviour." so aren't we all crazy?
We've all had feelings that caused us to feel and act out irrationally - especially towards our first loves - lets be honest here people. We've all been slightly stalker-ish? Right...?
These letters that I have written have been done so when feeling, what is in my opinion, my craziest.
Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know, A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved, So I'll sing Hallelujah, You were an angel in the shape of my mum - Ed Sheeran, Supermarket Flowers
You're the hardest one to write. Not because of your expectations of me but, because of my expectations of myself.
My mum and I had a hard life. We had a wonderful supportive family but also a family that could take advantage and charge us for babysitting (despite being family). We had a family that cared so much to the point they didn't care enough. Unless you know, you don't know this feeling. I spent most of my life without my biological dad around so my mum had to do two people’s jobs.
Parents, I wouldn't be the woman I am without you. I hope you're proud of this version of me.
I'm proud of this woman.
Despite the Fibro and mental health issues, I've never felt stronger.
There are few things I regret in life. One of them being; I wish I listened when I was 14. I wish I listened when you said that boy was no good. But, how will a teen learn without heartbreak? They won't, I can promise you that - the same way you promised me then.
You are my hero's. Unconditional love, that's what I feel for you. I hope you feel the same for me. Even at the ripe old age of 23 (LOL) I still don't know enough about you or your lives to know what you feel about me but, I hope it's as unconditional as my love.
Your Flesh and Blood,