• Beth Matthews

Dear... | What I wish I could say (Part One)

Updated: Dec 15, 2020

Just a quick note from me - these letters are part of a series and they are deeply personal. I would like to explain that these letters were written in the height of the UK lockdown and I was in a phase of manic depression suffering with insomnia so these letters are quite erratic. However, I thought they were important to share as whilst they were written in a dark period, they are also honest and I wanted to share my truth. So, read at your own discretion!


Oh, I wanna come near and give ya, Every part of me, But there's blood on my hands, And my lips aren't clean - Leon Bridges, River

There are a lot of things I wish I could say. However, with Fibromyalgia it's very hard to get your thoughts and words into one coherent sentence. It's a pain in the ass pretty much 24/7 especially when you're trying to explain why your behaviour has been erratic and forgetful (Like when the washing stayed in the machine because you forgot for four days and you got really angry and cried your eyes out for another two days).

I have written letters to all the people who have influenced my life. People I wish I could outline my condition to but it would take hours to explain every little detail, every little fog, every little bit of pain, every little bit of craziness, because hey, Fibro. Shit makes you crazy in one way or another. But please, if these letters are relatable for you, use them and edit them as you wish. These are personal to me but I refuse to be embarrassed.

I am a big believer in crazy making a person because, here on Earth, 'Everyone is mad here'. I say crazy without judgement or flaw, I believe that every single human is crazy because we're truly the aliens, so who am I to judge?

I apologise in advance if I ever generalise or alienate someone when I explain or write about my crazy.

When you Google 'Define crazy', this is what appears "mad, especially as manifested in wild or aggressive behaviour." so aren't we all a little crazy?

We've all had feelings that caused us to feel and act out irrationally - especially towards our first loves - lets be honest here people. We've all been slightly stalker-ish? Right...?

These letters that I have written have been done so when feeling, what is in my opinion, my craziest.

Faithfully Yours,

Beth. X

Dear Boyfriend,

Nothing you say wouldn't interest me, All of your words are like poems to me, I would be honored if you would take me as I am - Lady Gaga, Is That Alright?

Wowee boyfriend. You are the most gorgeous, wonderful, intelligent, incredible and a load of other positive descriptive words.

I have a very 'easily addicted personality' (and no, this does not mean people got addicted to me, as much as I wished this was the case LOL - CRAZY!) as told by my step dad and multiple therapists. So often I can't tell the difference between love and infatuation. Luckily for you, I'm sure.

I've noticed the difference. Infatuation made my heart race to a painful speed, made my muscles cramp, made my head spin. Since being diagnosed with Fibro, I've realised that these are negative symptoms that doctors try to correct with a cocktail of pills. But my God Baby, I've realised I feel the total opposite with you. You make my heart rate slow (To be honest, almost just as dangerously so), my muscles turn to jelly and you make my thoughts slow to the point there's nothing beyond you.

I have read a lot of Paranormal Fiction where they talk about 'Soulmates' (good escapism as a 13 year old) and not once have I believed in them. But since meeting you, I suddenly realise what they're talking about - not that my belief in 'Soulmates' has changed. It's not someone who can read your mind and put up with your every eccentricity without being an asshole about it, but someone who sees past it. Someone who genuinely loves you, in spite of all your challenges and arguments.

Someone who loves you completely, despite the baggage and drama you come with. Which in my case, I think is quite a lot to be honest?

And all of a sudden, there you were. I suddenly felt full. You know that feeling you get after a roast dinner? I got that but, in a comfortable way. And my God, it was bloody wonderful. What I’m trying to say is...

Dear Boyfriend:

- I love you. And not from the top of my head to the tip of my toes because, despite what books may tell us that is not a thing, but because you are so wonderfully you. You make me feel wonderful.

- You make me smile, because you have the stupidest sense of humour (EVER) and it makes me giggle regardless.

- Because when we cuddle, I fit in the crook of your neck perfectly. (And between your pecs - whoop whoop!)

- Because we're both crazy. Your crazy compliments mine.

Truthfully and Crazily Yours,

Me. X

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